Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
