A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
