there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
