At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
People in love make me want to vomit
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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