Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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