hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
