I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i will never coherently bang her
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
