This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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