Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
