You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
