"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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