I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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