I wish my penis had an off switch
Acid is not a monday night drug
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
