so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
