my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
