There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
