My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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