I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
