I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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