I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
