just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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