Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So here I am, sexting at work.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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