Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
my liver is dry heaving
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
