I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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