Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
