On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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