I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
