1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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