I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize