That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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