i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
