Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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