They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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