Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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