I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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