I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
