your thong is hanging out like whoa
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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