I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
