Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
