Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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