Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
