Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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