He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
