it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just want to make out with him forever
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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