A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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