I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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