No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
