3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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