I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
