Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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